The holidays can be complicated for so many reasons. Every year around this time, I find myself reflecting on my relationship with joy, and how complex it can be.
As I speak with others about their BeMo experiences, a common theme emerges: a mistrust of joyful moments, a feeling that joy must be earned, or a deep sense of not deserving joy. These struggles feel especially intense during the holidays and as we approach the end of a year.
Regardless of your beliefs or chosen celebrations, the end of the year can feel like a slow-motion firework, building anticipation as we wonder, “Will it be worth it?” Exactly… worth it. Why do we do this to ourselves?
The Haunt of Holiday Regressive Patterns
Regression isn’t always negative; the holidays trigger almost everyone, pulling us into “remember when” moments. Whether your memories are warm or ones you long to forget, the holidays often make it feel like the good is gone and the bad is lurking. This is a regressive journey.
Regression during the holidays isn’t a failure. It’s information, and it can be met with purpose.
At the core of these emotions is a fear of reliving the past or a fear of losing the past. Our regressive reactions often mean building high hopes for joy while protecting ourselves from fully feeling the positive moments right in front of us.
Regressive reactions are emotional or behavioral responses where we revert to a younger state, often as a way of coping in stressful or triggering situations. Around the holidays, that might look like slipping back into old patterns or mindsets: feeling small, insecure, or vulnerable, the way we felt during past events.
For example, if the holidays were challenging in your childhood, your body and mind may respond with familiar unease, defensiveness, or sadness, even if the present situation is different. Certain sights, sounds, or interactions tap into those past experiences, triggering reactions that reflect how we once coped, rather than how we might choose to respond now.
What These Patterns Sound Like
The New Year brings many of us into black-and-white thinking. We tell ourselves, “I never complete my resolutions,” “I always fall short,” or “I never read enough books.” The impact is real, even when we’re half-joking.
Even with a life full of blessings, the passing years can bring a sense of fleeting time. We start saying, “Another year gone…” and before we know it, “The holidays are over, and I missed it!” Hanukkah may have barely begun, Christmas is on the way, and Kwanzaa has arrived. The year isn’t over, but many of us speak with finality as if it were.
This year-long “FOMO in reverse” is similar to what many of us feel each week, like on Thursday when we think, “The week’s already over…” Emotionally? It may seem like it. Literally? Not at all.
This kind of thinking leads to burnout, leaving us feeling empty. If you’re telling yourself “it’s over,” you’re only adding to the stress. You’ve invested so much time in your life. Now it’s time to bring life to how you view time.
This is where our relationship with joy comes into play.
Why We Lose Joy
Our survival instincts make it difficult to feel joy.
From the beginning, humans have held onto bad memories as a survival tactic. Our ancestors remembered “that berry is poisonous” or “that tiger has teeth.” But today, we hold onto bad memories and filter out joy as if it’s something to avoid.
Our survival instincts aim to keep us safe. In this moment, ask yourself, “What is my core Need here?” Understanding that helps calm our constant vigilance, letting us thrive instead of survive.
As the year wraps up, our brains naturally start planning for the future, which can amplify worry. With resolutions, year-in-review recaps, and social media highlights, we’re surrounded by signals of “Lion! Lion! Lion!”
Beneath all these cues, our subconscious is in overdrive, reviewing the past and assessing how we’ll make it through the next year.
Your mind may not recall every holiday memory, but your “downstairs brain” does. Those memories emerge like the Ghosts of Christmas Past, wrestling with the present. By the time they’re done, it’s no wonder the Ghost of Christmas Future paints a grim picture.
What Happens When We Feel Joyful at Year’s End
At first, joy feels amazing. But the more our past is tangled up with hard holiday memories, the more reactive we may become. It’s why so many holiday movies focus on loss or change. Even when nothing is missing, we often go looking for what is.
When December feels like “the year is over,” life itself can start feeling like a countdown. Are you counting down to a new beginning, or simply counting down? This creates a sense of missing out, even as we’re crafting highlight reels.
How connected are you to those “bests” you’re posting? Are you feeling joy, or are you rewriting history to cope with the sense of what’s gone? Approaching memories with a “need to” either separate from them or cling to them can stop us from trusting the present.
Refocus. Take a breath. Ask yourself: What is my foundational Need for…
Finding Comfort and Joy During the Holidays
Let’s dare to feel joyful together! Embrace the moment and let yourself experience the full range of your senses to connect with joy. Finding joy during the holidays can be challenging when memories start to pull us back, but staying present in these moments makes a difference.
Keep a list of joyful moments throughout the season. Use the dotted pages in the front of your BeMo Journal, or reserve a few lined pages at the back for reflections.
Remember each joy: feel it, taste it, know it, see it come and go, and come again!
Many of us feel uncomfortable with intense emotions, whether sadness or joy. Joy is pure presence, but the smallest disruption can make it feel like it’s “over.” How we react may depend on attachment style: anxious attachment reacts outwardly, avoidant attachment withdraws, and disorganized attachment shifts between both.
When your core Need is for joy, creating a “Cans List” (what you can do rather than what you can’t) helps you focus on simple actions that invite joy into your daily life. Here’s an example:
When My Need is for Joy, I Can:
- Take a moment to notice something beautiful: the morning sunlight, a favorite flower, or a comforting cup of tea.
- Reconnect with a joyful memory: flip through photos of a cherished trip or moment that makes me smile.
- Do something joyful: listen to an uplifting song, go for a walk, or do something playful, even if it’s small.
- Reach out to someone who brings me joy: send a quick message or share a laugh with a friend or loved one.
- Set aside time for something I love: paint, read, write in my BeMo Journal, or spend time on a hobby that’s purely for pleasure.
- Practice gratitude: write down three things that made me smile today, however small.
The Cans List reframes joy as something accessible and already present in small ways, helping to build trust that joy can be experienced and welcomed. The more we experience showing up for ourselves this way, the more trust in joyful moments we add to our emotional toolbox. With practice, staying present in joy becomes part of our comfort zone rather than a flashing warning light.
Comfort IN Joy Is a Choice
Above all, choose joy. Choose kindness. Show yourself and others compassion.
When you create a Cans list, remember that you don’t have to do any of it. There is no “need to” when it comes to experiencing emotions. We aren’t here to change how we feel. Instead, we’re here to recognize it and build self-recognition, awareness, and emotional safety around our experience. This is different from victim or martyr thinking. It’s a recognition that, with time, allows the mind and body to leave that stressed state. To do this, we practice making choices, and as a result, we recognize that we have choices. This builds trust from within.
To experience Comfort IN Joy, try a little gentle exposure, like dipping a toe in cool water, then moving further in. Allow yourself to feel and trust joy. Instead of blaming yourself for reacting, notice where you were, what you were doing, and how present you felt.
Joy is laughing so hard you lose yourself in the moment. Joy is seeing loved ones smiling in a perfect instant. Use your BeMo Positives list to reflect, bit by bit, on moments of joy throughout your day. That recognition helps you notice those moments in real time, as they happen.
Ask yourself: What is joy to you? Start there.
By building a trusting relationship with joy, your reactions to its loss will soften. Even if life intrudes, you’ll know joy is part of you and always ready to return.
BeMo About It
Celebrate yourself on purpose. Write a year-end list of lessons, highlights, and moments of growth in your BeMo Journal.
If joy feels elusive this season, take some time to write about it.
Ask yourself:
- What makes you expect things to go wrong?
- What “all or nothing” thoughts are lurking in your mind? Why?
- Can you explore the beliefs behind these thoughts? When did they start, and why?
Reflect on time: how you feel about it, spend it, and experience it.
Show up for yourself, and let others support you. Joy is one of the most challenging feelings because of the fear of endings. Sit with that. BeMo about it.
And if you’d like company through the season, come join us inside The BeMo Community →
