FUNCKing Grief

FUNCKing Grief - BeMo Journal

Losing a loved one is a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking experience that nobody is ever fully prepared for. Finding comfort during a time of grieving can feel daunting. When grief overwhelms you in the middle of the night – overtaken by uninvited memories in an hour that feels quite literally dark and too often alone, it can be hard to know where to turn. I’ve been there, and I know how tough it is. 

With a heavy sadness, I write this post as one of the aspects of life I have had the most experience with.

At 16, I lost my mother suddenly and without warning. For the next decade, I would grieve 18 more people I considered close to me. But this post isn’t about me. I want this to be a guide for you if grief is something you find yourself currently experiencing.

How to navigate loss with The BeMo Practice:

First, find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed and can fully tap into where you are emotionally. Grab your BeMo Journal. Try to Brain Dump – memories, fears, questions, and every feeling you’re currently experiencing. Do not worry about what it looks or sounds like. Free write. Jump all over the page, all over your mind, and revisit history with your present experience in whatever way you need to.

If you are avoiding the Brain Dump, Know that if you are feeling entirely overwhelmed by emotions – the type that leaves you blank as to how you’re really feeling – and find yourself resistant to fully Brain Dumping what you are going through and experiencing right now… that is OK! You are not alone. And you have full permission to work through the FUNCK first.

Here’s how:

Summarize your would-be brain dump into a problem statement. Right now, tell it like it is.  

For example:  

I just lost my Mom.

Take a deep breath.  

Feel that.

I’ve got you. I am with you even if we don’t know each other. Let BeMo be your guide.

Now, flip your Feelings Wheel or pick up your Feelings Wheel bookmark. Examine it. Try to find the line of feelings associated with what you felt in that big, deep breath you took.  

If you did free write a Brain Dump – label the emotions you went through and acknowledge them throughout your Brain Dump practice. If you didn’t want to Brain Dump, take what you find on the Feelings Wheel and allow that to become a source for Brain Dumping Feelings.

This might look like this:

I feel sad because I feel isolated by how my family or friends understand my experience. I feel distant from those who are trying to be there for me because I also feel so worried that they won’t show up in the way that I truly need or expect. I feel hurt because my mother was taken so soon. I feel deeply mournful and heartbroken because I feel entirely alone in this experience. I feel scared to miss work, and for the overwhelming need, I have right now in the midst of feeling overwhelmingly responsible for my children and showing up for them. I feel a lot of pressure to keep going, which makes it feel like I have to ignore a lot of this in order to survive. I also feel angry AF for being left here to deal with all of this on my own. I feel stressed about my own survival. I feel tired, exhausted, and out of control.

Take another deep breath. Recognizing what you are growing-through (yea, that’s exactly how I meant to spell it) is complex and incredibly important. By doing this step alone, you are showing up and starting to fulfill a basic human need of being seen, known, and heard. You already have something to add to your Positives list for the day because that is huge!

In fact, that’s a great kick-off to a You note. If I may, I will interject as your best friend right now and let you know…

You are allowed to feel as much as you need to! Your feelings are going to ebb and flow. One minute you’ll be laughing out loud at a fantastic memory, and the next, you’ll feel overwhelming guilt for having laughed or smiled. Time will be weird for a while. You’ll want it to go by, and you’ll fear it going by. That’s OK. You are not alone. There’s no right or wrong way to experience any of this. I love you. I am so sorry. Please know that you will get through this.

Now, flip to your Needs Wheel.

Take another deep breath. Feel it.

Ask yourself, what is it that I need to feel better?

Remember, there’s nothing you need to do. Ever. Instead, focus on your “need for.” Drop the “need to” storyline because everything that ends in a “to” is a choice.

This might look like this:

I need a day to myself. I need a hug. I need a shoulder to cry on.

Great start.

How does that expression of needs align with the Needs Wheel?

That might look like this:

I need to feel loved. I need kindness, warmth, and a sense of belonging. I need empathy from others. I need inclusion and to know that I am not alone. I need the belief that it will all be OK. I need affection.

Now we’re really getting somewhere. The FUNCK practice doesn’t make the situation disappear. Instead, it gives you the structure on how to communicate it within yourself and with others so that you can open pathways to healing. Healing from loss comes in surprising phases over time and with time. Allow it with the Know-ing that at any moment you feel caught off guard, overwhelmed, surprised, or taken back by grief that you have a process there for you.

Moving on to Cans will feel hard because you can’t bring your loved one back, nor is it your fault that they are gone – an acceptance that will take time.

Ask yourself: What can I do to fulfill my need in this moment?

This might look like this:

To feel loved/kindness/warmth/belonging, I can call or go to people that I know are safe and reliable for me and ask for a hug or just to spend some time together hanging out where I don’t feel pressured to talk, but I can talk if I want to. To feel empathy from others, I can bravely voice my feelings and needs with people I choose, like my wife/husband/partner. To feel included, I can surround myself with a lively group of people I relate with, like friends or family. To believe that I will be OK, I can continue to work through the FUNCK because I already feel much better. To feel affection, I can hug my children and smile at them.

So many empowered choices! Now, you should start to feel much better and be able to ground yourself in Know-ing.

Ask yourself: What is it that you Know without a doubt? Unwavering.  

Cheat sheet: While cans can be feelings based, what you Know is never a feeling because feelings are fleeting. What you Know are facts that stand for your personal truth and assist you in feeling whole in this moment.

This might look like this:

I know my mother will always be with me in spirit, and she did the best she could to raise me with love, openness, and support. I know I am grateful for the time I had with her and all that she showed me to be in life. I know that my upbringing wasn’t perfect, but I can acknowledge what serves me and work through the moments and memories that do not serve me over time. I know that I do not have control over what happens, and I did not predict this, but I am capable of getting through this. I know all I need is one person to love and rely on, but I am surrounded by many that I know I can go to, speak to, share with, and allow myself to be vulnerable with, and they will support me.

What you Know is not always positive, but it is always powerful.

Now, let’s move on to the final step of The BeMo Practice: Positives.

Try to embrace the light. Creating a Positive List is like shining a light on the dark corners of grief.  

Here are some ways to get started with your Positives List:

  1. Reminisce a beautiful memory – laughter, adventure, or simple things like chats over coffee.
  2. List how your loved one touched your life and others’ lives in positive ways.
  3. Recognize lessons learned and the personal growth experience from your journey through grief so far.
  4. Write down any additional nuggets of positivity, even if they have nothing to do with grief or grieving. This can be as simple as noting a moment of sunshine in your day.

Grief is a rollercoaster. We’re all just doing the best we can to hang on as the grief process goes two steps forward and three steps back. I hope that The BeMo Practice will see you through and provide solace as you navigate this journey of healing through self-therapy. Remember that healing isn’t a straight path. Be gentle with yourself. By pouring your heart out with this structure, you allow yourself to connect, show up, and fully be seen, heard, and known. Use FUNCK to decode your emotions – to regulate and self-soothe. And remember, the #BeMoJo community is here for you. We’re all in this together.

I am sending you beams of love and kindness. May you add wonderful things to your Know-ing and find yourself FUNCKing feelings of calmness, happiness, and strength in due time.

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